The Whispers

This is the opening to a short story I’m working on.  It stands on it’s own pretty well so I thought I’d preview it here.  Hopefully I’ll be posting the whole thing soon anyway.

I’m not sure if the punctuation is right in the last sentence of the opening paragraph, any help?

The Whispers

Piercing blackness.  So comforting but so ready to destroy me.  It hides me from the people that could be my accusers.  They cannot blame what they have never seen.  But the Whispers can.  There is no hiding from the Whispers.  They know what I’ve done, they tell me so.  Always whispering.  So no one else hears them.  But to me, they scream louder than thousands of bells tolling together.  They scream, ‘He’s dead.’ ‘He’s never coming back.’ and worst they tell me, ‘You killed him.’

I cannot escape them.  So I resign myself to hate the Whispers.  I’ll loathe them the way they abhor me.  They must hate me.  Why else would they spend so much time haunting me?

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About Jinx

I'm a writer, what else is there to tell?

6 thoughts on “The Whispers

  1. Kay Camden says:

    Great opening. It really grabs. I’m not sure about the punctuation of that sentence. I see what you’re trying to do. Maybe put their statements in italics instead of quotes? Like this:

    They scream, He’s dead. He’s never coming back. And worst they tell me, You killed him.

    Also, the third sentence, “that” should be “who” since it refers to people: It hides me from the people who could be my accusers.

    I would definitely love to read more of this. Post it!

  2. Mike says:

    Great piece of writing.
    I think you’re right and that it does stand on its own very well. One of the things I like about writing this sort of flash fiction is that it enables you to leave your reader enough to fill in the gaps themselves.
    I particularly liked the end – the idea that the whispers must “….hate me. Why else would they spend so much time haunting me?” My mind immediately began to come up with answers.

    • Jinx says:

      Thank-you. Hopefully it just doesn’t seem too on it’s own when I match it up to the original piece again. Sometimes that happens to me. I always hate it.

  3. […] The Whispers.  I’ve been working on it awhile, and some of you probably read some of it in a previous blog post.  I decided to finish it tonight and ended up using a couple of this weeks prompts at Inspiration […]

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