World Folding

This is written for Inspiration Monday and Sunday Picture Press. Thank you both for the wonderful prompts. I loved working with the combination so much before when I wrote the Talisman, I just had to try this again. (:

* * * * *

World Folding

They said it was a gift, our ships let us become rich. However much risk, whatever the cost, the wealth and thrill we plundered made everything worth it. Chances to prove ourselves among the clans, win pleasure and retire to it, maimed but well known for our courage.

Loud creaking timber. A roar of victory from the flames when it snapped and tumbled to the deck. Sickening screams from those it crushed. The moon glowing faintly past the smoke-filled sky. I chose the fate of my life. I bound myself to this ship. They told me I was just a scrawny boy, not worth training. Not a viking. Who has proved his courage now?

It’s world folding. The flames have taken us now. The ship is down. Now I wonder, what good is the glory I cannot revel in? 

Our ship slides into the dark water’s glow, no longer adrift. The moon still shines on us. It is good-by.

Our give is a curse now. It drags us below with it.

I chose this. Just the puny cabin boy.

Screams become pleading gurgles from drowning men.

The water’s cold embrace takes us all.

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About Jinx

I'm a writer, what else is there to tell?

12 thoughts on “World Folding

  1. Vivid and gorgeous. Glad I waited. : )

  2. scribbla says:

    This is very poetic; lyrical. Vivid and splendid imagery too.

  3. Nicely told. Short and well worded with striking visuals.

  4. Kay Camden says:

    This deserved two reads. There’s an ebb and flow to the words that remind me of the ocean itself – especially at the end. I love the title. I can imagine the water folding in, bringing everyone and everything inside it.

    Okay so you asked for constructive criticism and here it is. 🙂

    I stumbled on the first sentence. I think it’s the “let us” that’s hanging me up. It seems passive or something. And this is probably me, but I’m not sure I understand the use of the italics. Is it two separate narrators?

    Great work, as usual.

    • Jinx says:

      Because I’m switching the time each paragraph was told. If it had been longer I would have made that more clear, as it is I kind of forgot I had chosen to do that. The stuff in italics is present, where as the stuff that isn’t would be like….his ghost speaking.

      Thanks for the critique, I think I have a better wording for that sentence too. It is supposed to be a little bit passive, but not totally like it is right now……I’ll figure it out. (:

  5. Indigo Spider says:

    This read almost like poetry. Vivid imagery that really captured the feel of both the glory of a successful ship and the sinking taking the crew along. I agree with Kay, the “let us” is a little stumbler — maybe just a simple “They said it was a gift, our ships gave us wealth.”

    I did understand, and liked, the use of italics though. Helped shift the focus from past to present. Great work and I like the new look of the blog too!

    • Jinx says:

      I have way too much fun changing my blog up at random. That the Graphic Design artist in me. (:

      Okay, well, I’ll fix it when I have time on that first sentence.

  6. therummaker says:

    very poetic and you have the gift of lucidity

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